Newport to host food festival

The City of Newport will once again be hosting a food festival on October 6th in an attempt to improve the image of the chav-ladden City, the centre of which resembles post-1945 Dresden.

Amongst the highlights this year will be what is set to be heated discussion on if white cider or sherry are the best outside drinks, conducted by three of Newport's street drinking fraternity.

Also the North Wales Brewery will be attending and customers will have the opportunity to try which chips are best served with their beers. Hope Trading Standards check the quality of their beers as a mollusc shell was once found floating in one of their casks.

Stallholders are said to be looking forward to the event, at which the local chavs come and point at their wares and say, "Three pound for a jar of mustard! I can get that for 66p in Lidl".

Meanwhile the culinary delights of Skinner Street and Upper Dock Street will be on show with a competition on which outlet can fry the best pigeon. Let's face it, its not chicken in those places. Over the past few years the Skinner Street/Upper Dock Street area has gained acclaim in the world of gastronomy and it is now ranked only alongside Caroline Street in Cardiff as one of the finest open-air dining areas in Wales. Even the kebab shops of Swansea High Street cannot compare to the delicacy of deep-fried pigeon in Newport.

Beermat distributor to cut 350 jobs

Beermat distributor Gwent Police have announced that they will be cutting 350 jobs in an effort to save £3 million off their budget.
Landlords throughout Newport, Monmouthshire, Torfaen and Caerfilthy Unitary Authorities are outraged that they will no longer be able to have bilingual beermats delivered to them by police officers.
One Newport publican, who wished to remain anonymous said, "This really is the thin end of the wedge. Breweries cannot afford to print beermats any longer so we rely on Gwent Police to spend public money producing their propaganda and for their officers to deliver it to my pubs. I mean why do we pay our taxes if the police will not be making deliveries of beermats to pubs".

A spokesperson for Gwent Police said that the beermats had been designed by the Beermat Working Committee and had been approved by both the Ethical and Diversity Committees of the Force, none of which will effected by the job losses in the police force, "That only applies to frontline staff and not to our backoffice team of diversity coordinators and five-a-day fruit advisors. Police officers will still be visiting pubs throughout the Gwent Constabulary area to drop off beermats and collect donations for the Police Widows and Orphans Fund which are always gratefully received, especially in unmarked envelopes containing non-consecutive notes".

Gwent Police have their own Facebook page where you can find out which PCSO has found out whose dog has been fouling the pavement.
They also have their own Twitter account where I aim to help them where possible:

Scottish brewery brews beer made from dead people

In an attempt to brew the world's strongest beer, Scottish brewers, the Soylent Corporation have announced that they will be harvesting the dead of Glasgow to use in their new beer, Soylent Green, a 60% ABV limited edition brew.

Dickie Martin, spokesman for the brewers said, “We are attempting to push the boundaries for this beer far beyond what anyone else has done before or will attempt ever again. The brewing will be done on the night of a full moon and we have ensured both the malt and hops were also harvested over the period of the full moon so Soylent Green will be a truly bio-dynamic beer. We have chosen Glasgow as our area to source the bodies from as they have an abundance of unwanted dead junkies on the streets and no one will miss a corpse or ten. Also body snatching is still frowned upon in Edinburgh after Burke and Hare attempted to popularise it a couple of hundred years ago.  The bodies will be boiled for 40 hours in order to rid them of the flavour of Buckfast and heroin, the resulting sludge or mush as we prefer to call it in brewing terms will then be mixed with a full grain mash and then returned to the copper for a 15 hour boil with organic hops hand-picked by virgins on the Himalayan Plateau. The resulting brew will then be fermented with a special yeast and put into wooden barrels sourced from ancient bog oak which will then be taken into the Atlantic Ocean by coracle and sunk at the Mid-Atlantic ridge, where they will undergo a secondary fermentation. After six months the barnacle-encrusted barrels will be brought to the surface and the resulting Soylent Green beer will be put into bottle which will then be placed inside the stuffed cadaver of a Glaswegian down-and-out.

The Soylent Green will then be sold at the price of £15,000 each with a limited edition of 6 bottles only ever being made. That is until we brew Soylent Red or some other gimmick.”

Tasting Notes: Soylent Green 60% has a somewhat pretentious nose and tastes faintly of pork. Serve chilled if you have access to a morgue. Goes well with a deep fried Mars bar.

Brown: Dangerous and Deluded

Having watched as much of the conference speech as I could stand, it came as no suprise that the teetotal Son of the Manse annouced plans to raise tax on the already overtaxed pub goer. This time the tax increase will pay for policing. Hang on a minute, we already pay enough in taxes to support the uniformed branch of the Labour Party, sorry Police force, together with the free-range park wardens known as PCSOs. If the police or the Government really wanted to clamp down on binge drinking then there is one easy law that could be enforced - it is an offence to serve anyone who is drunk, so why don't the police go around the City centres at night clamping down on the premises that are serving people that have already had too much to drink? It's already on the statute book so no further legislation would be needed. Of course the Police would object to this, after all it is too much like real policing and not inside the current safety zone they work in at the moment. Instead our deluded, unpopular and widely disliked Prime Minister announced a headline grabbing policy that will hit pubs and responsible drinkers in the pocket. Coincidently the British Beer and Pub Association today announced that they are stopping the "Axe the Tax" campaign on lowering beer duty. Looks like fake charity Alcohol Concern and their Government paymasters have scored a success on that front. Still look on the bright side, there are only 6 months left of this Government before the voters of this country give Gordon Brown a bloody nose at the polls, to add to his detached retina. The final 6 months will be messy, as the scorched earth policy of the bunker-dwelling Brown attempts to screw up this country even further.

Has anyone else noticed that Gordon Brown's health problems are similar to those caused by congenital syphilis? Delusions, blindness, temper tantrums, death of a still born child, sickness in other children etc. Looks like life in the Manse was a bit more interesting than once thought.