Above: A typical Newport pub, not connected with this article in any way.
A Newport publican has offered to clean his pub in the hope that American tourists might wish to frequent his failing pub.
“Since the smoking ban came in I have lost dozens of customers as they can actually now smell the stale beer soaked into the carpet and the leaking toilets. I've been putting off cleaning the pub because as everyone knows I'm a lazy bastard who is drunk most of the time. When I took over this pub it had a great lunchtime trade but nowadays I open the pub around 2pm as that is when I get up from my vomit-encrusted bed. Anyway I've splashed out on some Shake 'n' Vac for the carpet and Poundland had a good deal on bleach so I've stuck a load in the bogs so they don't smell like a medieval cesspit when the plague hits town any longer. I've even told my psychotic barman to lay off the lager during the day and try and to smile and not to attack customers. We've even dug out a picture of the only Welsh American President, Jefferson Davis and proudly displayed it on the bar to welcome all our friends from across the Atlantic".